


Love in Solitude

by Goodnight Moon (MythologicalHoe)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Alternate Universe - Library, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Boners, Awkward Flirting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Hugs, Library Sex, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Sharing a Bed, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 22:51:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15253791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythologicalHoe/pseuds/Goodnight%20Moon
Summary: It always started the same way, a person would appear in the midst of the books in the main part of the library as Rey was most lonely. "Where am I?" Rey watched the human adjust his glasses and look around the dusty piles of books."You're in the library." She wasn't very interested in taking in any more strays right now, especially when the library forced everyone to leave right as she fell in love with them, but the library had other ideas. "You're here because you tried to kill yourself, Ben Solo. And the library ordained it that you did not die.""So I'm not dead.""Nope," She sighed. She just wanted to read her book. She hadn't gotten to read Descartes in a century, before her collection was lost in the ever expanding realm of the library"What is this place?""A library," Rey closed her book, rolling her eyes. "People who are severely depressed come here until they're okay enough to go back to Earth." He looked around more, clearly not knowing what to do with the information. She opened her book again, going back to Descartes. He could get lost in the books and never come back for all she cared. This sort of thing wasn’t her problem anymore.





	1. the library

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this chapter was basically just yelling at myself, theres a lot of shit from my inner monologue here enjoy

It always started the same way, a person would appear in the midst of the books in the main part of the library as Rey was most lonely. "Where am I?" Rey watched the human adjust his glasses and look around the dusty piles of books. 

  
"You're in the library." She wasn't very interested in taking in any more strays right now, especially when the library forced everyone to leave right as she fell in love with them, but the library had other ideas. "You're here because you tried to kill yourself, Ben Solo. And the library ordained it that you did not die."

 

"So I'm not dead."

  
"Nope," She sighed. She just wanted to read her book. She hadn't gotten to read Descartes in a century, before her collection was lost in the ever expanding realm of the library

. 

"What is this place?"

  
"A library," Rey closed her book, rolling her eyes. "People who are severely depressed come here until they're okay enough to go back to Earth." He looked around more, clearly not knowing what to do with the information. She opened her book again, going back to Descartes. He could get lost in the books and never come back for all she cared. This sort of thing wasn’t her problem anymore. 

 

She would remember to tell headquarters that she didn’t want anyone to visit her quarters anymore. After this one, they wouldn’t be welcome. She had gotten halfway down the page when the human cleared his throat. “Uh, excuse me. I have a question?” She looked up from the page. “Who are you?” She looked back down at the page, knowing full well she was obligated to answer her question. 

 

“Rey,” She told him. “Your resident immortal, this is my realm, it’s forever expanding and that means there's plenty of space for you to be where I’m not.” He squirmed a little as she said that. “So please do not bother me, I am reading.”

 

“When can I leave?”

 

“When you’re not depressed?”

 

“Well that's not going to happen.” Rey closed her book again. 

 

“Listen, mortal. I don't care about your life problems. I want to read—so if you will please leave me in peace—you can explore this place freely. Trust me, to your mortal brain it won’t be a place of anguish.” She squirmed a little in her chair, considering just disappearing to another part of the library and leaving this human to his own devices. She bit her lip, looking away from the human and to the large army of books behind her. Each cover intricately decorated in an array of colors. Some of them not even recognizable to the human eye.  There were vines and flowers and doors everywhere as well. “There is enough to explore around here.” 

 

“Did I do something to offend you?” She rolled her eyes but didn’t look at him. 

 

“You go, you find your room. It’ll be great. There's a jacuzzi about a mile that way if you want it.” He shuffled awkwardly, not sure of what to make of everything. She didn’t blame him, most of the humans she met were like that when they came here. She tried to ignore him, tried to push down the overwhelming need to show him around and make him feel comfortable. She just wanted to read. That was all put aside when he knocked a pile of books over. 

 

“Oh shit,” His cheeks reddened as he looked over at Rey. “I’m sorry.” She sighed and put her book down. It seemed that she wasn’t going to be able to read anyway. Rey snapped her fingers, and watched as the books picked themselves back up and reorganised themselves, walking ahead of the human. He was silent, following her as the two of them headed through the middle of the books. 

 

“Over here there’s a mess hall. There’s over four hundred options from you to choose from, including vegan and vegetarian food at at least fifty of these halls.” She opened up the door and gestured in there. “That way you don’t have to cook during your stay here, unless you like that shit, in which there’s also a kitchen in there where you can learn every recipe known to mankind.” 

 

She gestured for him to follow her, he did. The two of them walked for some time when Ben said, “I’m sorry.” Again. 

 

“What for?” 

 

“Knocking the books over,” Rey chuckled a little. Humans apologised for the stupidest things. 

 

“You shouldn’t be apologising,” 

 

“Well, I didn’t want to make you mad.” 

 

“Why? We don’t know each other.” He shrugged as the two of them went down a winding hallway of eighteenth century books. “You shouldn’t care if I’m mad at you or not, you don’t know me. I don’t know you.” 

 

“I don’t know, I guess I’m just tired of being a burden.” Rey’s heart sank a little. She lost count of how many times she had heard that. She stopped. 

 

“I’m eighteen thousand years old, mortal. I am a god. You doing something as simple as knocking over books doesn’t make you a burden. I’ve seen it all, and your clumsiness is not as bad as it gets.” She told him. “So you are not a burden. Not to me.”  Damn it, she thought to herself. It was starting again. “Not to anyone.” The two of them kept walking and she brought him to a room with a big glass dome and a ridiculous amount of greens and flowers of all kinds. Different creatures that Ben Solo had never seen before fluttered about gleefully in there space. 

 

“This is the  _ green house  _ as the humans might call it. It doubles as a space for the baby creatures that fly into my realm would be.” 

 

“Is that a dragon?” Ben pointed up and Rey followed his gaze. 

 

“Yes,” She said. She turned around, unimpressed, and told him to follow her. The two of them kept walking, and Ben was silent for a long time again as Rey talked about how The Library was always getting bigger and how no human would ever be able to walk the length of it because of how humongous it was. When she was finally to his room he asked, “Is there anyway that I can get out of here earlier? To get out of your hair?” 

 

“Releasing you early is forbidden.” Rey told him, “If I release you early and you try to kill yourself again, I get apprehended by some very scary cosmic overlords and get chained to a rock and torn apart by a few very ugly vultures for the rest of eternity. So no. No way of releasing you early.” 

 

“Oh,” 

 

“Anyways, the bedrooms are over this way. Some of them are full apartment size if you wish to have that. You can choose what fits you best but I want to tell you right now, all sharp objects found anywhere in the Library cannot harm human flesh. Nothing in this Library can be used as a self harm object, because if you try to do that, it turns into a bouquet of flowers.” He nodded. 

 

“We also have marijuana if you want to try that, both the smokable and edible kind. But if you don’t have any other questions I’ll leave you to find your room.” He nodded and turned towards the hallway of bedrooms. Rey took that as her sign to leave. 

 

* * *

  
  


Ben didn’t know what to make of the situation that he was in, but he just decided to go with it. He went through multiple rooms before finding the one that he liked the most. It was simple, dark enough so that it wasn’t stressful but not so much so that it was depressing. There were potted plants all about the place, and a few different paintings. In the office connecting to his there was a sketchbook and some art supplies. He decided that for the rest of the day, he would spend his time looking at that. 

 

After that and a small bit of sleep, Ben found himself back in the library, exploring. There wasn’t much else to do and there was no sign of Rey, so he did his best to try and find the things that interested him. 

 

He had gone into a darker spot of the library with tons of books with intricate covers, and nearly knocked over more books again. That’s when a light turned on. “As a human with visual impairments, I would think that you would learn to turn on the light more.” 

 

“Sorry,” 

 

“You say sorry too much.” Rey jumped off of a neighboring pile of books and adjusted her shirt. Ben found himself staring. She looked like a twenty one year old British girl, not a eighteen thousand year old god. “Are you looking for a specific book?” She asked. 

 

“No,” He said. “Just wondering what was around here.” 

 

“Well there’s a lot of stuff around here. Authors that aren’t from your universe or even your realm of reality are here. Although I’m not sure you’ll be able to read those because they aren’t in languages that you would understand.” She tied her hair back and went towards the pile of books. “What genre do you like?”

 

“Uh, I don’t know.” 

 

“Poetry? Sci Fi? Horror? Contemporary?” 

 

“Contemporary, I guess.” She raised her eyebrow but went back to the shelf and pulled out three different books for him. 

 

“I would suggest taking them back to your room, if you leave them lying about the library you’ll lose them.” He nodded and took them with him. Setting them next to his bed before going back out into the library. “You’re out here again.” She said. She sounded a little disappointed. Ben wanted to ask her why she hated him so much, but he decided not to. “What do you want?” She asked. 

 

“I don’t know.” He said. “I’m just— I can’t sleep.” She nodded and got up from her spot. “I don’t know why I’m here.” 

 

“You’re here because you tried to commit suicide.” She said. “And I’m here because it’s my job to make sure that you don’t do that again. My job, as well as a lot of other’s, is to make sure that humans live their life out naturally. Meaning that they don’t take their own life.” 

 

“What about the people who die disease or get murdered?” 

 

“We’re not allowed to leave our realms,” She told him. “Trust me, if I had the ability to leave, I would help. But I can’t. I don’t control that.” 

 

“Well that sucks,” He sighed. 

 

“Nothing I can do about it,” 

 

“So you’ve never left the Library?” 

 

“No.” Ben guessed that his situation could have been worse. He could have been in a worse situation, he could have been stuck in a realm that was secluded from most normal humans for all of his existence.  “But I don’t need to. There are other, lesser gods here that keep me company. And the Library is always expanding, so I have plenty of things to do here by myself.” She sighed. “There’s plenty of new things here to try out without the annoyingness of humans judging you for trying it out.” That was one of the few things that he could relate to. 

 

The two of them went into a room with a bunch of colorful boxes and Rey asked, “Happy dreams, peaceful slumber, or relaxed?” 

 

“Uh, relaxed I guess?” She took one of the purple boxes down from one of the shelves and got a cup, opening the contents and releasing into the cup. It looked almost like a purple cloud, descending into the glass cup. She added water and then stirred it together and gave it to him. “What is this?” 

 

“Tea,” She said. “Drink it.” He did. “I’m actually glad that you didn’t choose the peaceful slumber one, because that stuff is heavier than a tranquilizing dart to most humans and I don’t want to have to carry you back to your room.” 

 

“Gee, thanks.” 

 

“You’re welcome,” She smiled. As she smiled, Ben started to feel the knot in his stomach loosen, and the feeling of tension in his muscles dissipated. “Do you need anything else?” 

 

“I don’t think so.” 

 

“Good.” She said. “Go back to your room, I don’t really want to talk to you anymore than I have to.” 


	2. for all i know, the best is over and the worst is yet to come

 

Life in the library became one of solitude and avoidance. Moreso than it had already been. Rey supposed that she should have felt bad that she was avoiding Ben. Still. She had a right to want to keep her distance from him. Rey went back to her Descartes books, sitting amongst piles and piles of books. She sighed, putting a CD of some of Earth’s greatest hits on and pressing play. This sort of thing happened over and over again for at least two weeks and Rey wasn’t going to let up. 

 

Ignoring the man was only made easier by the fact that he never came out of his room. It should have been concerning, but the only way humans could die in this realm was of old age, so everything would be okay. 

 

The only thing she had to concern herself with distraction, and she liked that. It couldn’t stay that way forever though. The Library had a way of forcing people back together with Rey. It was a failsafe built into the realm just to make sure that people wouldn’t get lost. 

 

It brought Ben back to Rey. He appeared next to her out of nowhere, nearly falling to the floor before regaining his balance. “What the fuck?” 

 

“Nice of you to join me, human.” 

 

“I didn’t mean to, I was just reading a second ago. What the fuck—” 

 

“Spare me the small talk,” She said. “Are you hungry?” 

 

“Not particularly,” 

 

“You haven’t left your room in two weeks.” Rey read through her book.  _ Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.  _ “You need to eat something.” 

 

“I don’t feel hungry.” He insisted. Rey put her book down and sighed. 

 

“We’re getting food now. I don’t want you developing an eating disorder in here as well.” The walk to get food was silent and Rey didn’t really care. She watched Ben go into the mess hall and got a confirmation, he was hungry but didn’t even know it. He had a bowl of spaghetti and a chicken pasta, practically scarfing it down really fast. 

 

“Glad you got what you needed.” Rey said. “Now go find something to do. I want to get back to my book.” He stayed there. “What are you doing, mortal?” She asked. He looked around at the mess hall, not talking to her. She rolled her eyes. She had done something to offend him, she could tell. “What’s wrong?” 

 

“You’re lying.” He said. 

 

“About what?” 

 

“About me not being a burden. I am.” Rey rolled her eyes. 

 

“We’re on this again.” She sat down next to him. “Why am I lying?” 

 

“I don’t know. Because it’ll make me feel better?”

 

“If I wanted to lie to make you feel better it would have to be about something more important,” She admitted. “I don’t care whether you think you’re a burden or not, I’m an eighteen thousand year old cosmic god with more things to do than this.” She raised her hand, “But I will admit that when I hear bullshit things like someone thinking they’re a burden I have a natural impulse to correct them on the subject. You’re not a burden.” Shit. Getting closer. She needed to stop talking to this man. Let him sort out his issues by himself. 

 

“I have bipolar disorder,” He told her. “And really bad social anxiety.” She stayed silent. “It fucking sucks.” 

 

“I could only imagine,” Ben adjusted his glasses. 

 

“I tried to kill myself because I was becoming too much of a burden. My meds are really expensive and sometimes I don’t feel like they’re even working. But I tried. Then I lost my job and had to move in with my parents again and use their money for pills while I tried to get another job and all I remember was my dad constantly calling me a burden and I agreed. So I slit my wrists in the woods a few miles away from the house. I just felt alone and I wanted to stop being a burden—” Rey put her hand over the man’s. It was the first time that she had touched him. 

 

“You are not a burden. Things happen to humans all the time and you are definitely not the only person that is going through this sort of thing. I know it doesn’t make it any better but you are not alone. Even if it seems like this. There is someone for you. There is a calling out there for you. There is a whole lot potential in your fragile human body and you can do so much.” He was silent for a long time as the both of them sat there. Then he asked a question. 

 

“Is my body still there?” 

 

“No,” She said. “You’ve been taken out of your timeline and will be dropped back in where I see fit once you’re properly healed.” She said.

 

He nodded. 

 

“I’m just so tired of feeling like a piece of shit.” 

 

“Believe it or not I can understand that,” She said. She shouldn’t apologise. But it was coming out of her mouth before she could think any further about it. “I’m sorry for avoiding you. Gods are dramatic, and I haven’t been doing my job. Please don’t take me being rude as a sign that I think that you’re a burden.”  

* * *

  
  


After that conversation with Rey, the two of them sort of relaxed. Rey was still sort of standoffish, but it was okay. Ben was sorting to think that might just be a result of the fact that she hadn’t seen an actual human in a while. He would ask her what she was reading and sometimes she would read aloud to him. Showing him things from places that he couldn’t know or begin to comprehend, and he slowly started to feel at ease with the things around him. 

 

He had never really felt at ease in his life in general, but there was something about the presence of the Library that stabilised his feelings while he was there. Normally he thought he would have been overwhelmed by its vastness but he wasn’t. 

 

Of course that wouldn’t last long, it never did. There was always something that Ben would be able to fuck up in his life — or he would manage to be the one to be fucked over. Maybe this time it was a fuck over, of sorts. It was definitely some sort of magical thing. One he didn’t know how to describe, but he went back to his room and ended up in a completely different place in the Library. 

 

One he had never seen before. It was completely dark and covered in cobwebs, books were all over the floor and there was a sign that said out of use. He knew that he should turn around and go back but when he tried to find the exit, but there was none to be found. 

 

So Ben walked forward. 

 

He wasn’t sure that there wasn’t much else that he could do. There was something glowing a few feet ahead from him. Usually, glowing things that you couldn’t see were fairly foreboding warnings not to approach, but he couldn’t help himself. There was some sort of compelling factor in that. He wasn’t sure why. He walked forward as it came more into view though. It was a piece of paper. Ben picked it up. 

 

He didn’t know why, but he regretted it. 

 

* * *

  
  


_ Rey stood there by an archway at a point in the Library that Ben had never seen before. There sat a boy that looked like he was only eighteen at the time. She wasn’t looking at him. “Today’s when you go back.” She said. “I just want to say that I’m proud of you. You’ll do good out in the real world, Finn.”  _

 

* * *

  
  


Rey took the piece of paper from Ben before he could see anything else. He was in a dase from the vision, and Rey wanted to make sure he didn’t ask any questions. So she took him back to his room. The last thing she did that night was burn that section of the Library, hoping that it wouldn’t grow back. 


	3. Paiges of the Past

A quiet peace had fallen over Ben and Rey. They didn’t have that same pent up, angry energy that Ben had remembered between the two of them. Rey would eat with him and the two of them would walk around, the silence between them not as awkward as it was when it first began. “Did you finish all your books?” Rey asked. He nodded. “Do you want more?”

 

“That’d be nice,”

 

“Contemporary?”

 

“Poetry,” She raised her eyebrow again, questioning his choices in literature before going off into a different sector in the library and finding what he had requested. She came back with four books and gave them to him. 

 

“Anything else?” 

 

“No,”

 

He would put them back in his room and Rey would tell him of stories that he had never heard of. Ben wondered if some of these things actually happened to her. “There’s a big serpent in between the fabric of this universe and the next,”  She told him. “It’s been asleep since the dawn of time.”

 

“What would happen if it woke up?” Ben asked her. 

 

“I don’t know.” He followed her to one of many greenhouses, watching her pick up a daisy yellow watering pail and work on her plants. “No one knows, yet all the gods were born from it.” 

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah,” She said. One of the small, green iridescent dragons that lived amongst the plants skittered up Rey’s arm and she giggled as it found a place on her shoulder. “Sometimes I wonder if that serpent knows I hate it here.” She told him. “Or if it put me here intentionally.”

 

“And you can’t leave,” 

 

“Nope.” She said. “I can’t, but I’m used to it.” She stopped watering her plants. “I'm sorry, I must be sounding depressing today. Ignore that.”

 

“To be honest if I was stuck in the same place my whole life having to deal with a bunch of human problems I would probably be more depressed than I already am.” Rey smirked, and Ben felt a tiny sense of accomplishment in making the girl smile. She was starting to warm up to him. 

 

“Well, I guess we’re on the same page then.” She finished watering her plants and looked up at him. “Did you know that the Library has a beach?”

 

“It does,” 

 

“Yeah, it does.”

 

“Where is it?” Ben had lived in places that were cold and nowhere near water his entire life, the possibility of going to some intercosmic beach sounded more than exciting to him. She grabbed his hand and they walked out of the greenhouse and up a set of stairs that Ben had never seen before, and taking him to a room. 

 

“Get some swim trousers,” She told him.

 

He did.

* * *

 

Rey was trying her best to not be an asshole. She was trying to help this man without falling in love with him, even though she knew the attempt was futile. The both of them walked out to the beach, white sands and purple blue waters reached out as long as the eye could see. “It’s beautiful,” He said. 

 

“I know,” She replied. “Go on,” She gestured for him to move to the shoreline and the both of them did. Rey stayed back as she watched him wade into it, he jumped back for a second when he saw things glowing on the floor of the ocean. 

 

“What’s that?” He asked nervously. He adjusted his glasses and looked down. 

 

“It's something not named by the human world.” Rey said. “But they won’t harm you, they just like to follow you around to make sure you’re not stepping in water that’s too deep for you.” 

 

“Oh, well that’s nice.” He said. 

 

“Yeah, I guess.” She watched him on the shore as he waded around, looking more relaxed than she had ever seen him. 

 

“Are you gonna join?” He asked. Rey swallowed, and then shook her head no. “Why not?”

* * *

 

_ “Come on!” Paige shouted. “Please join me,” Rey did without question. It was the 1950’s for humans and Rey knew that they didn’t get to enjoy going skinny dipping without the prude judgement of others. _

 

_ The two of them peeled off their clothes and swam for a while, giggling and talking about nothing, before finally Paige looked sad.  _

 

_ “What’s wrong?” Rey asked.  _

 

_ “Before this, I was fired from my job as a teacher.” She told her. Rey waited patiently for more information. _

 

_ Paige hadn’t shared anything about herself up to this point. “Because there was a rumor spread that I was a lesbian.” _

 

_ There was silence.  _

 

_ “You are, aren’t you?” Paige looked like she was about to cry. She nodded. Rey’s eyes softened as she surveyed the girl up and down.  _

 

_ “And I like you,” Paige told her. “I like you a lot.” _

* * *

  
  
  


“I’m not much of a fan of swimming.” Rey lied. He didn’t push it, and she watched him swim a little more before he was done. He got out of the water and came back to stand next to Rey. 

 

“You okay?” She didn’t answer. She just turned, and started walking back to the Library. Ben followed closely behind her. “Hey, I asked you a question—”

 

“One that I'm not obligated to answer,” She replied. Ben muttered something under his breath that Rey didn’t really care to hear, and the both of them headed back inside. Something in Rey hated the return of icy silence between the two of them, so she said something. “I was reminded of a human I helped,” Ben was silent. “She was pretty and creative and just—radiant.” Thinking about Paige was possibly one of the worst things Rey could do to herself.  “And she was killed four years after I helped her, so maybe just shut up when I don’t want to talk, okay? Because a lot of my life isn’t sunshine and rainbows.”

 

“I didn’t know,”

 

“I know,” She sighed. “It’s fine.”

 

“No, it’s not. I fuck everything up,”

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “If you actually think that you’re dumber than you look.” She said. “I’m immortal. Sometimes I remember things—sometimes I get sad. It’s the price of being immortal. I’ll get over it.” The look in his eyes was so intense Rey almost wanted to avoid it.  _ Convince me.  _

 

“I promise.”

* * *

 

_ “Can I tell you something, Paige?” The girl looked up at Rey innocently, using a towel to drive her hair. She nodded. _

 

_ “I like you a lot too,” She told her. “I think that you’re the most beautiful human out there and you don’t deserve to feel sad.” Paige smiled faintly. “The reason I didn’t say anything earlier was because, admitting it would mean that in a week, you would go back. But I think you’re ready. I really do.” _

* * *

  
  


Ben woke up with an intense pain in his shoulder, he didn’t know why, but he did. He tried to grab his glasses so he could get up to find a sink, but he couldn't. That didn’t seem to matter. Rey was right next to him. 

 

“You’re hurting,” She said. 

 

“Yeah, fuck.”

 

“Let me fix it,” He didn't really know what that meant, but if she was going to ease his pain it was worth a try. So he nodded, letting her do whatever she was about to do. Rey sat down behind him and placed her hands on the place where the shooting pain originated from. 

  
  


It was a weird sensation, her fingers provided a cooling feeling that Ben had never felt before. She massaged his shoulders for a few minutes before he completely forgot what the pain felt like in the first place. “There.” She said. “You should feel better now.” She was gone before he could thank her.


	4. half the world away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SORRY WAS LISTENING TO AURORA AND GOT REALLY HYPE ALSO IM ON A ROADTRIP AND CHUGFED A MONSTER SO IF IT BAD SORRY
> 
> SONGS MENTIONED:
> 
> Little Boy In The Grass - Aurora  
> Half The World Away - Aurora
> 
> If you wanna follow me my Tumblr is @oceansbetweenreylo, hope you enjoy

There was a fire crackling and Ben felt at ease. “You’re a god, right?”

 

“Yes,” Rey said.

 

“Do you have powers?”

 

“Besides immortality?”

 

“Yeah, besides immortality.” It was a stupid question, but it was something that he had been wondering for awhile. She was silent for a second, thinking.

 

“I don’t know,” She said. “I can heal humans, mentally and physically.” She looked at the fire, “I can remember any story, remember everything. I can speak any language. There’s other stuff I can do, but I haven’t figured it out yet. It just takes time.”

 

“You remember any story?”

 

“Yeah,” She said. “Any story ever told or written, that includes songs, I can remember it.” That was the thing that intrigued Ben the most.

 

“You can sing?” She nodded again, this time taking on a shier expression. “Can I hear you sing?” He asked. She pursed her lips for a second but then nodded.

 

“Any requests?”

 

“No, just sing what feels right.”

 

So she did.

  


_I will tell you the story_

_Of the little boy_

_I found in the grass_

_Tired soul as he told me_

_He could hear the children wanting to pass_

 

Something about her voice seemed to melt the air around him, painting pictures that he would never see from a normal person singing. He could see a picture of a small boy, much like himself, laying in the grass, staring up at the sky as everyone else played around him. Then a girl who looked a little too similar to Rey to not go unnoticed.

 

 _Sounds of laughter in the air_   
_Still today we hear them_   


Ben could hear the sounds of a playground and smell fresh air around him, feeling a welcoming presence in her voice and embracing the story that was presented to him.

  
_Finally we are over it all_ _  
_ Finally we are over, over it all

 

Rey’s voice became this big thing that was undeniable and beautiful, there was something almost childlike about it, and Ben loved it. He hadn’t ever heard anything like it. Of course, she was immortal, so she probably had years to practice whatever this was.

  
  
_Let them run from the violence_   
_The world is way too cold and bright for their eyes_   
_Little boy runs beside them_   
_As they take his hands and jump to the sky_ _  
_ Still today you hear him

 

Ben remembered the days when he was a child, alone and wishing for a friend. Someone who would embrace him and listen to all the weird shit he thought about and just understand him. He wanted someone to understand him. This song almost made him believe that Rey did.

  
  
_Finally I am over_   
_Over it all_   
_Finally I am over_   
_Over it all_   
  
_When will my healing come?_   
_When will my healing come along?_   
_Sinking like a stone_   
_When will my healing come along?_   
  
_Finally I am over it all_   
_Finally I am over it all_ _  
_ Finally I am

 

When Rey was done, it was like crashing back to Earth, and Ben felt dazed. “Did you like it?” She asked. She waited expectantly for an answer, perhaps nervous.

 

“Are you kidding? That was beautiful,”  Rey nearly smiled.

 

“Perhaps I’ll sing for you more often,” She told him.

 

“I would love that,”

* * *

 

Ben didn’t know what was happening to him, there was something new in his mind that completely wiped away the mess that it had been when he had gotten here. Now, it was replaced with wanting. He wanted something, but he didn’t know what. “Can you tell me a story?” He asked Rey one night. And she did.

 

“In between the midst of realms, there are three creatures that exist.” Ben watched as the lights from the candles that lit up this portion of the library began to leave their bulbs and dance and travel in ways Rey had never seen them do that before. “A snake—the one that created gods to do it’s bidding.” Some of the lights moved into place, creating a long slithering creature that moved up and down in the air. Making it seem more real. “A crow, the one who gave us knowledge of the universe. The one who gave the gods, and humans empathy.” A crow appeared, swooping down and perching itself on Rey’s left shoulder.  “And a wolf, the one who created the realms. Who created the Earth. Who created everything.” The wolf appeared from behind her. Majestic and made of light. “Then humans came, and with humans, there came a whole set of challenges. War, Violence, Hate. It was all something that the Crow, the Snake, and the Wolf weren’t used to it.” Suddenly the snake came plunging down to the floor. “The snake tried to fix it by trying to create as many gods of love as she could, this made her go into a deep slumber that she would never be able to wake from. So the wolf took over, the wolf tried to give as much empathy as she could, but with the grief that came from the passing of the Snake, she sent out other things. She sent out, depression, mania, bipolar disorder, BPD. She was so sorry that she made this mistake; but she couldn’t take it back. So she cut open the belly of the snake and took the gods that were still waiting to be born out. Placed them in pocket realms, put us here to stop the suffering of humans that happens, and the Crow just sits back and watches. Feeding us information about the outside world and keeping us company when we’re lonely.” She said.

 

Ben didn’t really know what to say to that. Rey was silent for a while before asking, “What is Earth like?”

* * *

  


Another night went by and Ben woke up because of nightmares. Rey was waiting there for him, she gave him some tea and he calmed down. He asked her to sing to him. She sang to him.

 

 _I would like to leave this city_   
_This old town don't smell too pretty_   
_And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind_   


 

Rey stroked his hair absentmindedly as he laid back in his bed. The song reminded her of so many people she would never see again, it reminded her of him. There would be a point where she would inevitably fall in love with him, there would be a point where he would leave and there would be a point where she would be alone again.

  
_And when I leave this island_   
_I book myself into a soul asylum_ _  
_ I can feel the warning signs running around my mind

 

Sometimes Rey wished she could live on Earth, to experience song and music and storytelling the way humans did. Sometimes Rey wished she was a human. That wish drove her insane sometimes.

  
  
_So here I go_   
_I'm still scratching around in the same old hole_   
_My body feels young but my mind is very old_   
_So what do you say?_   
_You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway_   
_You're half the world away_   
_You're half the world away_   


She wondered how Finn was doing right now. She wondered how Phasma had done. She wondered how Paige’s last four years of life had gone. She would never know. Rey watched Ben’s eyes start to close.

 

  
_And when I leave this planet_   
_You know I'd stay but I just can't stand it_   
_And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind_   


Rey could never leave this never ending hellish cycle of heartbreak. It was doomed to be what she lived with for the rest of eternity.

  
_And if I can leave this spirit_   
_I'll find me a hole and I'll live in it_   
_And I can feel the warning signs running around my mind_   


Rey wished that she could live, and then die. Being immortal wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

  
_So here I go_   
_I'm still scratching around in the same old hole_   
_My body feels young but my mind is very old_   
_So what do you say?_   
_You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway_   
_You're half the world away_   
_You're half the world away_   


She wished she was half the world away from this place.  Closer to everyone she loved.

  
_You're half the world away_   
_I've been lost, I've been found_   
_But I don't feel down_   
_You're half the world away_   
_I've been lost, I've been found_   
_But I don't feel down_   
_I don't feel down_   


Ben was asleep. Rey promptly left after that, travelling to a different part of the Library. There was a place in the library where books didn't have names or words in them. They were blank slates, representing things that were going to be written. Rey walked along them sometimes to see if names had developed or if the book had finally come out. What she saw when she walked amongst them now was a slight surprise to her. _The Girl In The Pocket Universe by Ben Solo._ Rey stared at it for a moment before heading to the next. _The Healing Gods by Ben Solo_. There were more with his name on them. A good ten books. She stepped away from them. If she looked at them, it would be violating his future. She couldn't do that.

  


She took a step back and turned down, despite her curiosity. She head back to the Greenhouse that night, pretending she didn’t see what she just saw.

 

Halfway to the Greenhouse, Rey forgot where she was headed, her brain was foggy and she didn’t actually want to go to the Greenhouse. She was just trying to get as far away from the books as possible. So instead, she found a new door in the Library. One she had never seen before. She opened it and found a forest waiting for her. A part of her smiled, as she had never seen trees such a beautiful green before.

 

She walked within the trees for a long time, using the skirt of her white dress as a sort of basket to collect things like pine cones and amber leaves that she had never seen before. She eventually sat down with them, creating small houses with intricate detail, and waiting. She watched as wings fluttered and things started to come out from the trees. Fae were coming down to investigate her houses.

  


Rey smiled and watched as Fae settled into their new homes, some of them trading amethyst and other crystals as gratefulness for her deeds. She took her stones a little further, wandering to a stream nearby. It was beautiful and the water was so clear that it was almost glassy. Rey dipped her feet in it, smiling at the pleasure the sensation brought her.

 

For a while she played in the forest, emitting this child like innocence that she hadn’t had for a long time, until she forgot about the books, forgot about her sadness, and forgot about the heavy burden that was always on her. She remembered the happy moments, the moments that made her feel most alive, and she grasped on to them. Part in desperation, part in nostalgia.

 

She danced and she felt the spirits of those that she had helped and loved who had passed happily. She harnessed that for the first time in a long time, and she felt happier than she could have ever remembered. That was when she was ready to go back, and trudged through the stream with her crystals in hand. The trees were beautiful and the ground was soft. Rey would remember to come back here. It would be her secret. She went up through a black stairwell and up into a tower, placing her crystals amongst an alter and lighting some candles.

 

There she cast a spell.

 

_I wish good faith to the humans that need help, I wish good luck on those who ask for it, and I wish for only warmness to enter my home._

 

She blew the candles out and felt warmth spread through her. Someone who was struggling would feel better down on Earth. Hopefully that was enough for that person.


	5. just sway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was basically a bit of my inner monologue. It was like yelling at myself bc I hate myself 90% of the time, lol. Still working on it. Hope you like the chapter.

There was a weird feeling that existed constantly once around Rey, it was the kind of feeling you felt when you weren’t really sure what a person’s motives were, and Ben felt it nearly all the time. The days when he and Rey got along was great, but when they didn’t get along, it was hell. It was like there was some sort of rage that eternally wedged itself into Rey’s heart, and when it was bad, it splintered Rey in two more and more. Ben didn’t know if it was his fault or hers, but he couldn’t help but feel bad every time there was a bit of silence between them, like there was right now. “Did I do something?” He asked.

“I’m reading,” Was all she answered. He watched her read, although he didn’t know what language it was. It didn’t look like any human language that he knew.

“I just—did I offend you?” Rey sighed and threw her book behind her, Ben wasn’t sure where it landed, or if landed at all. “Because you’ve seemed really angry recently.  I just want to make sure that I didn’t do something wrong and if I did, please tell me because I want to apologise for it.”

“Maybe I’m just tired of talking,” She said. “Maybe, I want some silence. Is that too much to ask?” When Ben looked at her, he saw tears. He decided that it was best not to push it though. He decided to get up from his spot and wander in the Library for as long as possible, putting as much distance as he could between himself and Rey. This would help her do whatever she needed to do to cool down. Maybe Ben would find a new place in this ever expanding labyrinth too.

Ben went down tons and tons of corridors stacked to the brim with loads and loads of books that Ben didn’t know existed, and he spent hours upon hours reading or at least trying to make out the texts in different books. There wasn’t much else to do for the longest time, until he found a door that had a familiar pull to it. He stood there, not sure what to do. He didn’t really want to open it, but there was something telling him to.

He also didn’t expect a knock on the door. “I know there’s someone on the other side.” A voice said. “Open up,” Despite his better judgement, he did. The door opened and a girl in a white dress popped out. She shook her head. “Jesus, the void is rough on a vessel.” Ben stood there, not really knowing what to do.

“Who are you?”

“Jess,” She said. “That’s my human name at least.” Again, he wasn’t really sure how to process everything that was going on. “Rey did tell you that other gods exist in these realms, right?” He nodded. “Well I’m one of those other gods, and I need to talk to her.”  Ben didn’t object, he just nodded again. “Can you lead me to her?” Ben did. Rey was in the same place that she had been when he left her, and she looked up, her lips splitting into a smile when she saw this person that called herself Jess.

“Jess! What are you doing here?” She got up from her seat and embraced the girl and Ben stood behind the two of them. “I haven’t seen you in like, two hundred years.”

“I know,” Jess said. “A lot has happened since then, I bet.” Rey nodded and Jess smiled. “I’m here on business though.” She turned back to Ben, glancing at him for a second before turning back to Rey. “Let’s go somewhere to talk about this alone,” Ben didn’t see where they went, they just disappeared out of nowhere and he was left alone again.

There wasn’t much that he could do after that. He went back to the beach and spent a very, very long time swimming. He wasn’t really sure how long it had been since he had last seen Rey. He didn’t feel tired the whole time he was there so he just swam out as far as he could, stroke, after stroke, after stroke. When he got back to the shore he laid in the soft sand for a while and fell asleep, again, he didn’t know how long he stayed there. Just that when he woke up, Rey was standing above him.

* * *

 

“Where were you?” He asked.

“Are you hungry?” She asked, she dodged the question. “I kind of want Italian.” She could hear the hesitation in Ben’s voice after that dodge. He was trying to figure out if he should bring up what happened or not. He decided not to, that was the right decision.

“Italian sounds nice.” He said. Rey nodded and told him to get up, he did, following her out of the beach and back to the kitchen. The two of them ate in silence, but Rey tried her best to seem as friendly as possible.

“Hey, there’s a theatre here. Did you know that?” He shook his head no. “Yeah, a few actually. There’s one that’s a lot like the Globe Theatre, I here. And like a regular one, what would you like to do?”

“The regular one.” She nodded.

“It’s showing Mean Girls tonight.” She got up after he finished his food, and the two of them made their way down countless more hallways until they got there. Rey was pretty bored by the movie, but she liked watching Ben watch the movie. He seemed to like it enough. When he was done and the both of them left, he finally asked her a question.

“What was Jess here for?”

“Business,” Rey replied nonchalantly. “She’s part of our god’s governing system. So she was just attending to some business with me.”

“Did she force you to be nicer to me?” _Yes._ Rey turned around sharply.

“What do you mean by that?” Ben rolled his eyes and then straightened his glasses.

“Come on, Rey. I’m not stupid. You’ve been really mad at me for some reason and then you just start talking to me again and we eat food together and watch Mean Girls, right after Jess had a long ass talk with you about something too.” He wasn’t stupid. This would have been a lot easier if he had been stupid. “I thought you said—”

“—Ben, I know that it’s hard to wrap your head around this but it’s not that deep. We had to deal with some things and then she was on her way, nothing more nothing less. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Yes it did!” Ben shouted. “Stop lying to me, I know that you hate me and I know that it’s a fucking chore to keep up with me, just admit it. You want me gone already because I’m hopeless and you don’t know how to fix me.” Something in Rey’s heart broke when she heard that. Tears splashed down her cheeks as she stared at him. “You’re just like anyone else,” He said, “You got tired of me.”

There was a long silence between the two of them before Rey finally responded, “How dare you assume that about me?” That anger that existed in her was only going to get worse and worse from here. There was no going back from that.

“When you don’t know a thing about me. You never even bother to ask yourself if maybe the reason I get sad or angry is because I have a life of my own that’s not dependent on you!” Her voice boomed throughout the library, making some of the books shake and fall off the bookshelf. “I have tried, every goddamn day of my life to help humans get back on their feet. That is literally the reason I was created. To help people. For you to think that I got tired of helping you after three weeks of trying to coexist with you is fucking pathetic, and shows how much you really have faith in me.”

She turned sharply on her feet before thinking of more things to say and turning around, “And here’s another thing? Why the fuck do you think that you need fixing? Yeah you’re an asshole but literally every human on the face of the Earth is a fucking asshole. You’re not that special. You want to know what I see when I look at you? Someone who could accomplish a whole lot of shit if you just stopped feeling sorry for yourself and actually started pursuing something that you liked and wanted to get better in. And you can call me insensitive for saying that but it’s true.”

By the time they were both done yelling at each other, the both of them were crying and their voices were hoarse.

Rey stood there, not really sure what would happen next. She would extend the olive branch. “I’m sorry.” She said. He glanced up at her. He wasn’t mad.

“Everything you said was true, I shouldn’t have started it.” She was mad. She wanted to stop being mad. She just wanted everything to stop.

“You know what?” She said. “Why don’t we go dancing?”

“What?”

“Dancing, I like it. It calms me down.” He looked confused for a second before saying.

“I’ve never danced before.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Well then we can just sway, come on.” So Rey brought him to one of the stereos she had put on one day, turning on a playlist that was playing a bunch of random songs all throughout Earth. The first song that was put on, _hostage by billie eilish._

It was slow and melodic and Rey and Ben were too close together. Rey remembered all the other people that she had felt the embrace of, each time she fell in love with them, she felt their heartbeats. She could feel Ben’s heartbeat. She was listening to that when tears started flowing. She buried her face in his chest, hoping that he couldn’t see.

He did.

“Woah, are you okay?” He was trying to push her away from him so he could see her face better. She closed her eyes and pushed herself harder into them.

“Let’s just stay like this. Just sway.”

“Okay,” So that’s what they did. They just swayed, even long after the music was gone.


	6. the girl in the pocket universe - prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter, hope u like tho

_ Love is always portrayed as an easy thing. I can tell you right now that it is never an easy thing. I never thought that I would love anyone, I never thought anyone would love me. But at what I thought was the end of my life, I met Rey.  _

 

Rey felt sick to her stomach after yelling at Ben the way she had, and that feeling didn’t go away until a few days later. She spent her time apologizing again and again and again for what happened and each time Ben would say it’s okay, he knows that he’s a lot to deal with and Rey has a lot on her plate. “No you don’t get it.” She was exhausted, “I shouldn’t have hurt you like that.” She would insist. He would nod and the two of them would go about their day. Sometimes Rey would wonder if she had ruined her chances of getting him out of here, she wondered if he would always stay here. Part of her wanted that, the other part was telling her that she needed to let him  go so he could do something. Be free. The both of them were sitting in a nook of the library, he was reading and she was staring at him. “What do you want to do?” Rey asked. 

“What do you mean?” The answer was pretty vague. 

“I mean, what do you want to do? When you leave here?” 

He was silent for a second. “I don’t know. I guess try and get another job and then just live my life.” 

“But you could do so much more than that,” She said. “Isn’t there something that you always wanted to do? Some sort of aspiration that you’d never thought you’d reach?” It was a personal question that he didn’t have to answer, but he did. 

“I wanted to be a writer.” She pressed her lips together and nodded, pretending to be surprised. “But that’s stupid.” 

“Why is that stupid?” Rey asked. 

“Because—” He paused, “Is this where you tell me nothing is stupid and I can achieve my dreams?” 

“No, because that’s lame.” She said. “I’m asking you a question. Why is it stupid? Why is something that you want to do stupid?” 

“I don’t know,” He said. “It just is.” Rey paused. This was her chance to change something, to get him back to where he needed to be. “Why are you—” 

“I think that if you try, if you write something that you really want to write, you’ll get published. I think that you could be really good at it too.” He stared up at her for a minute. 

“You know something, don’t you?”She went quiet, and once again, Ben didn’t push it. “Rey, please can you tell me this for once.” She needed to word her next sentence as well as she possibly could. 

“Let’s just say, I’m a god and I know a lot of things. I’ve seen a lot of things. When I look at you I see something great.” She wasn’t sure how to gauge Ben’s reaction, his cheeks got a little bit red. Was he embarrassed? She didn’t know. “Can you do me a favor?” 

“What do you need?” 

“When you leave here,” She said, “do what makes you happy. Even if it seems wrong at first, just try.” 

_ Our meeting was nothing near happy, I could tell that she was uncomfortable with me being there and I was — less than comfortable in a place that I didn’t know — to say the least.  _

 

“Will you do that for me?” Rey asked. “Will you do that for yourself?” She was tentative in the way she spoke, still feeling extreme guilt for the way that she talked to him. He nodded and the two of them entered a blanket of silence that wasn’t anything like they had felt before. This pain that she felt was his too. 

“When I was twelve, my babysitter raped me.” Rey nearly jolted at that, her stomach felt even sicker than before. “It happened again and again and again, and each time he told me I was worthless. I believed him.” She didn’t speak. She couldn’t. This was Ben’s time to decide if he was going to tell her more or not. “And I guess, even though he’s not here anymore, I’ve always carried that with me.” 

“Can I ask what happened? Did you tell someone?”

“Yeah, I told my mother. My mother told my dad, and my dad shot him.” There was no ending in the sickness that Ben had endured. “Don’t say that you’re sorry. That always fuckin’ annoys me when I tell people that shit.” 

“I wasn’t.” She said. “There’s no amount of sorry that fixes that, and it’s always going to suck.” She told him. She got a little closer. She wasn’t sure how Ben felt about that until he put he relaced when she put her hand on his shoulder. “But—I can tell you that you are a million times stronger than I initially thought you were. You’re stronger than you know.”  

“I don’t feel that way,” He laughed nervously. 

“You are though.” 

 

_ The one thing I can say for certain is that part of me fell in love with Rey the moment I met her, but you’ll find out how that happened.  _

 

“Can I hug you?” Rey asked. He nodded, he actually really wanted a hug, and the fact that he hadn’t had one in so long. Rey hugged him, and there was this warmth he had never felt before when he did. She closed her eyes and he closed his. He hoped that she wouldn’t let go of him, and for the longest time, she didn’t. 

 

_ This book is dedicated to Rey, the woman that helped me start my life over again, the woman I love.  _

When Rey pulled away, she only did so so she could lean her back up against his chest. The both of them fit perfectly together. She had a book in her hands. “Can I read to you?” She asked. He said yes, and she continued. “It’s poetry, because for some reason you like that.” 

Ben laughed. “Hey, good poetry can evoke a lot of emotion.” 

“Well let’s hope that this does that then,” 

“All you who sleep tonight, from all the ones you love, no hand to left or right, and emptiness above— know that you aren’t alone, the whole world shares your tears, some for two nights or one, and some for all their years.” She kept reading poems, until Ben’s eyes drooped and he fell asleep. 


	7. the girl in the pocket universe - chapter one

_ Mental illness creeps on you like a spider, always on your back. It’s always there. And always will be.  _

 

Rey had made Ben’s bed, and he wasn’t sure why. He had told her she didn’t have to, but she still did it anyways. Ben watched as she motioned to the bed. He didn’t say anything, just laid down, and Rey laid down next to him. He wasn’t sure he could tell her how much that actually meant to him, the fact that she took time out of her day to do this. She held him and something felt right with the world. Of course that could never last. 

Ben woke up the next day with his glasses off. Ben couldn't really see because he didn't have his glasses on, so he reached his hand back, feeling the bed beside him. It was cold. He wasn't sure he wanted to get up after that, so he just laid there and shut his eyes. Rey didn't have to stay there with him. She really didn't, but it was nice to think for once he had somebody to hold. For once, someone didn't give a shit that he was bipolar and socially awkward and just let him hold them. Someone held him back. He had wanted that to last.

It wasn't until several hours later that he felt a presence at the end of his bed. She sat there for a while before saying something. "Are you okay? You're not sick are you?"

"I'm fine," He said. That sounded harsher than he meant it to. It didn't faze Rey though. She moved up to sit by his side, running her hand through his hair. 

"Some humans I've helped have had days where it was hard to get out of bed," She said. "Is this one of those days?" Her voice was so quiet. Why did she have to do this to him? Why? He nodded.

"That's okay, sometimes you need the rest." She said. "We can stay here for as long as you like."

_ We _ . How long would it be 'we'? "Can you do me a favor though?"

"What?"

"Can you sit up long enough for me to braid your hair?"

"Why do you want to braid my hair?"

 

_ Rey was not soft all the time. She wasn’t the perfect manic pixie dream girl who cooks and cleans and does everything you want. But when she was soft, she was soft.  _

 

"Because it's beautiful, it demands to be played with."

"Fine, but you have to stay after." It was a shot on the dark. 

"Okay," she said. "You do have to understand I do have to leave from time to time. This Library is complex and there are parts you don't know about that do need tending to. But me leaving isn't necessarily because I want to leave you. It's my job." He nodded and she got to work, the feeling of having her fingers in his hair was amazing. 

She was humming some tune that he couldn't make out. She was done, she tied it up and Ben looked in the mirror. “Not bad,”

“Something ‘s still wrong. What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” He lied. 

“Something’s wrong.”

"I...guess… I feel so stupid for crying,"

"Don't feel stupid," Rey said, she wrapped her arms around him tighter. She was practically speaking into his shoulder blade, she was so tiny compared to him, but he heard her all the same. "Crying is okay, it's not only natural, but sometimes I wonder why you humans don't cry more."

"Really?"

"Really. I have not met a single human whose story didn't make me cry. I've never read about a single human that was always happy. You have so much to go through. Life, finding your way into the world without knowing a purpose, sometimes you're grown in an environment that doesn't accept you. And you all have so much to lose. So much innocence and faith is just gone. You have to endure anger, hate, greed. You have to lose others around you. And you die. And yet, you don't give up. Humanity has never given up despite the fact that none of you know what direction you're going." 

"I gave up,"

"No you didn't actually,"

"What?"

"You wanted to improve from the moment you set foot in here. You want to go back. Even if the original motive was misguided. And that's strong. Anyways, back to my point. Humanity has no direction, but you all have one thing. You have a large list of things to cry about. Its okay to need to sit down. To need to breathe and just cry. Fuck, I'm an eighteen thousand year old god and I cry all the time. There's no shame in it."

"What do you cry about?" He regretted asking. 

"Humanity." She said. "I want to help them all but I can't. You?"

"Loneliness." He wanted Rey to squeeze him. To keep hugging him until he suffocated. 

"I guess we have that in common."

 

* * *

 

_ "When I'm gone," Paige turned to the face Rey before she entered the portal. It was sucking and whirring and it must have taken all of her energy to stay there without being sucked in. "Please don't be sad for me. Open your heart to whoever comes here next. And most of all try not to be lonely." _

_ "I hope you have a good life," Rey tried to put on her brave face. They were both crying.  _

_ "One last kiss?" She asked.  _

_ "One last kiss." Rey said. She walked forward. She couldn't get to close to the portal, or it would burn her skin. She placed her hands on Paige's cheeks, and gave her one long last kiss. Not wanting to come back up for air. "You be good for me okay?" _

_ "Okay,"  _

* * *

 

“Ben,” She said, “I need to leave. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah,” He said. “Yeah it is.”

Rey was trying everything she could to be nice to Ben. She thought that maybe she could help him without falling in love, but the more she held him, the more she wanted to hold him there forever.

Rey found herself falling again, but this wasn't like before. This was harder. She had to go. Instead she reached for his shoulders, massaging out the knots in the shoulders.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," He groaned a little, trying to not show the fact that his ears were turning pink. He was blushing. Rey got up. “I have to go.” 

“Why?”

“I just have to, I don’t have to explain myself.” 

 

_ But when Rey was hard, she was the cruelest person in the world, she could tear your heart in two without meaning to.  _


	8. You're my horizon, You'll always paint my sky

_ Rey is not always soft.  _

 

Rey wished she could keep Ben forever. No she didn’t. She didn’t. She wasn’t in love with Ben, she wasn’t in love with him. She just liked him as a friend. A friend who she had slept in the same bed with. A friend who she had called beautiful. Rey sat with her head against Ben’s shoulder. He was reading, and Rey closed her eyes, letting his voice distract her from her own thoughts. 

 

_ But when she’s soft, she’s soft.  _

 

"You're getting better, I can feel it." Rey said. "You can leave soon." Ben almost laughed. It was a hollow, angry sound. "What?"

 

"You say that right when I start liking it here." 

 

"No one stays here forever." 

 

"Were you only being nice to me to get me to leave?" She sat straight up then, getting as far away from Ben as she could. 

 

“What the fuck?”

 

“It would make sense,”

 

“Fuck you! Fuck you, Ben. Seriously. Just when I was starting to like you, but what the actual fuck—” Where the fuck did he get that idea?

 

“So tell me why you're being nice to me?” He threw his book to the side, and got up, getting in Rey’s face. Rey didn’t know what to do. Everything was just a mess and she didn’t know how to fix it. 

 

“Because maybe I’m tired Ben,”

 

“Of what?”

 

“Of constantly being sad!” She said. “Because every moment I resist trying to get to know you, every time I try to stop myself from getting attached to you, I get reminded of every single time I have lost someone I loved!” 

 

Silence. 

 

Rey gasped after she said that. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready for him to go. He wasn’t ready to go either. He stood there, blinking, dumbfounded. “So excuse me for wanting to distract myself by actually being nice and trying to have a good time with you for once. I guess I was wrong.”

 

“Rey—”

 

“Leave me the fuck alone!”

 

“Where the fuck are you going?”

 

“I’m getting the fuck away from you before I set something on fire.”

* * *

 

_ “Hey,” Finn sat down next to Rey. The silence between them was icier than it had ever been. They had had the only fight the either of them had. Rey didn’t say anything. “I saw one of the wings on fire.” He said. “Did you get everything out?” _

 

_ “I don’t want to talk to you right now,” She said.  _

 

_ “Well, you kind of just did.” She rolled her eyes. “So, no use in stopping now. What’s wrong?”  _

* * *

 

Rey didn't know how far she had walked. She had never seen this part of the Library before, and that was good. She grabbed the lantern from the nearest spot and and slammed it against a wall. A fire ignited, setting a row of books aflame. She just sat there and watched it. 

 

That anger that she felt going nowhere. She had never felt an emotion so strongly in her life as she did right now. It raged and raged and wouldn't quiet down. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

 

Why was she cursed to be in this awful place? Why was she cursed to give a damn about people? It was so damn tiring and she got nothing from it but hurt and anger. That's when she thought-this place doesn't kill humans-but what about gods? It was a long shot, but if she could... She closed her eyes, Paige's face flashing behind her eyelids, Finn's voice soothing her. 

 

_ “I want to die,” Rey said. “I’ve never wanted it more than I do now.” Finn put his hand over hers.  _

 

_ “If there’s something you taught me, it’s that that feeling will pass. No matter how intoxicating that desire is, it will always pass. It passed for me. It will pass for you.” _

* * *

 

Rey screamed. The fire got larger. She wanted it destroy this whole place and take her with it. But she knew that she never got what she wanted. Smoke filled her lungs and she laid down, accepting what physical pain this place would let her have to relieve herself before the fire was inevitably put out and the Library rebuilt. 

 

She heard footsteps right next to her. All the smoke was sucked out of the room. “What the fuck are you doing?” Jessika’s voice was a sharp awakening. “Don’t tell me you’ve snapped.”

 

“Leave me alone,”

 

“Fuck you, get up Rey.”

 

“I said, leave me alone. I’ll get up when I want to but it won’t be because you told me to.” Her voice was icy and cold. “I want to be alone.”

 

“You already are.” Jessika said. “You always think you’re alone, so you are in your head. It’s driving you insane and it’s delaying your subject from going back to Earth.”

 

“Then take me to the rock and chain me there. I’d rather an eternity of vultures pecking my liver out.”

 

“Believe me, the government wants to. I’m your only friend right now so I suggest you get up and go back and admit that you’re in love with Ben. You have been for awhile and the government’s been tracking it. You’re supposed to tell him that.”

 

“The government doesn't know shit about me.”

 

“Yes it does.”

 

“If it did they would tell you to leave me alone.”

 

“Are you going to be melodramatic and lay on the floor forever?”

 

“Are we even doing any good, Jess? If they go right back into a world where we can’t protect them,” Rey changed the subject, only slightly. “Where people can harm them without a second thought?”

 

“This is about Paige isn’t it.”

 

“I learned about her death after Finn went back to Earth. That's sixty two years of not knowing that someone I loved had her life caught short. I didn't do shit for her. What if I can’t do shit for Ben?”

 

“Ben’s course is set.” Jessika said firmly. “He lives until he’s eighty two.” That got Rey up.

 

“And?”

 

“I’ve already told you too much,”

 

“Come on, Jess! What the fuck. I’m never going to see him again in about two or three weeks time. Just tell me.”

 

“What do you want to know?” Jess said. 

 

“Kids,”

 

“Two. Adopted.”

 

“Husband? Wife?”

 

“Neither. He stays single until the day he dies.”

 

“Then how can he afford to adopt two kids,”

 

“Famous author.” She said. 

 

“How do I know you’re not lying?” Rey asked.

 

“You’ll just have to trust me.” Jessika said. “I told you mostly the truth.” Jessika disappeared.

* * *

 

That night Paige came to Rey in a dream. “You called me?” She said. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Rey was still sitting in the ashes of the wing she had burned down. “You’re dead.”

 

“Yeah. Sixty Four years dead. How’s life been going with you?”  

 

“I miss you,” 

 

“I know.” She said. “I’ve missed you too. I didn’t think you’d remember me this well though,”

 

“I remember everyone,”

 

“That must suck.”

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“Jessika opened a channel. It won’t be here for long though. So I suggest you tell me what you need to get off your chest because I don’t know if we’ll see each other again.” Hearing Paige’s voice made it hard to breath. Rey started sobbing. Paige caught her. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

 

“I never thought I would hear your voice again.”

 

“Neither did I.” Paige grabbed Rey, brought her closer. “But I prayed everyday that I would when I entered heaven and I did.” Rey was silent. “Is the Library there?”

 

“Yeah,”

 

“I can't see it. Just you.” Paige wiped Rey’s tears away. “I guess I can say I’m flattered I made such an impression on you. Although I wish that it hadn’t put you in pain for so long.”

 

“I don’t know how much longer I can take this.” She said.

 

“That’s fair,” Paige shrugged. “Eighteen thousand years is nothing to sneeze at.”

 

“Why do I have to stay?”

 

“I don’t know,” Paige said. “I think it has something to do with some cosmic gods making stupid fucked up rules.”

 

“I want to go.”

 

“Then go.”

 

“I’ll get punished.” She said.

 

“Yeah, there is that. So don’t stay here until Ben goes and then go. Just do it. Break down the Library and go. So what if you get punished? You’ve done this for eighteen thousand years. You should get a break at least once. Or,”

 

“Or what?”

 

“Or you could just promise me something.”

 

“What?”

 

“That you’ll trust Jess.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just do it. For me.”

 

She would.

* * *

  
  


Ben fucked up. As usual. And now Rey was nowhere to be found. He tried to pass the time but the time edged on so slow. Ben was pretty sure a day had gone by. He ate. Showered. Slept. And then a violent urge to hurt himself came in a wave, forcing its way into his veins and making his arms itch. He tried breaking the mirror and dragging the glass against his skin but the glass turned to water and trickled off his skin and onto the floor.

 

He felt pretty stupid afterwards, ashamed of himself for feeling that weak when he hadn’t wanted to do anything like that in awhile. He paced around his room. Waiting. Waiting for Rey to make it better. For her to apologize for leaving him alone for so long, but he quickly realized that that probably wasn’t going to happen. 

 

_ Rey shouldn't have to apologize for leaving you alone, you should be able to handle being alone yourself. _

 

He felt like all the air was kicked out of his lungs without her here, and he shouldn’t feel like that. Rey gave him the tools to get better. She couldn’t snap her fingers and make him better. He had to meet her halfway. He had to find her. Ben left his room and walked for the longest time, shouting her name until his throat got sore. 

 

He found her in a dark corner of the Library, she looked so fragile and scared there. She just stared at him for the longest time before he straightened his glasses. There was a bunch of glass on the floor. Rey was barefoot. Despite knowing better, Ben scooped her up.

He was glad she didn't resist.

* * *

Rey realized that maybe the reason that the Library brought Ben to her wasn't only because he needed help. But because she needed help too. She needed someone to heal with. To be alone with. 

But she also realized that this wasn't fair. Ben shouldn't have to stay here and suffer for her.

So she was going to tell him, and then he would be free to go.

She was going to tell him she loved him.

But not yet.

 


	9. Nearing the End

“I’m sorry.” That’s how healing begins. “I get paranoid and stupid, and I was rude.” Rey nodded, giving Ben the faintest of smiles. They were both sitting down on his bed together, she kept avoiding looking at him for some reason. He wasn’t sure why. She looked like she had cried herself raw, like there was nothing else left. “Do you forgive me?” She nodded, still not saying anything. “Why aren’t you talking to me?”

 

“Because I’m tired,” She said. “And I need to think of what I’m going to do carefully.”

 

“Well, I’m tired too. I kind of wish that I could stay here forever.”

 

“No you don’t.” Rey shook her head. “You need to be out in the real world, with other people.”

 

“You could say that about yourself, personally I think other people are overrated. I like you.” His heart skipped a beat when he said that, but Rey’s smile got just a little bit wider.

 

“I haven’t given you a reason to like me,” She said.

 

“Are you kidding?” Ben said. “You’ve given me a million reasons to like you.” He put his hand on Rey’s thigh and she shivered a little. “Sorry,”

 

“No,” She said. “I liked that. It’s just, been a while since someone’s put their hand there I guess.” There was a slight pink tone to her that Ben had never seen before. He liked that. He put his hand back. “That probably sounds weird.”

 

“No,” He said. “I understand.” They stayed there, like that for a while. Rey laid her head on his shoulder. She was still smiling.

 

“Do you mind if I ask a personal question?”

 

“Sure,” He said. “I have nothing to hide.”

 

“What do you think about love?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean every human is different. They all have different stances on love. Some don’t believe in it. Think it’s just a chemical that the brain produces. Others feel love so deeply and believe in it’s power to do good. Others think it’s destructive. You?”

 

“I don’t really think I’ve ever thought about it.” Ben admitted after a pause. “I’ve never really thought about anyone loving me besides like— my mom, even though she’s frustrated with me all the time. You?”

 

“I think it’s somewhere in between.” Rey admitted. “You humans always see things in black and white, but love is more than that. It can be destructive and superficial, cause wars like Helen of Troy and Aphrodite did. It can be used for good. Compassion, one of the simplest kinds of love. It helps people all the time. It’s why you guys don’t tear each other apart. Most humans possess compassion. Love can make you feel like you belong. Even if it’s only for a moment.” She got closer to Ben. “Love is also the thing that has cost me everything.” She paused. “But it’s the only thing I have going for me.”

 

That stuck in Ben’s head for awhile. 

* * *

 

Rey was tired. Ben seemed to sense that because they stayed together for a long time. She wanted to feel him for as long as possible before having to think about losing him.

 

She felt this light and bubbly feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time. She knew what followed it, but she didn’t have to think about that right now. She would focus on the thing she knew. The fact that she loved Ben Solo. And that loved granted him freedom from this wretched place. “You know, I've never been on a date.”

 

“Neither have I,” Ben said.

 

“That’s just wrong,” Rey shook her head. “I think that I should fix that.” There he was, blushing again. It was hard for Rey to remember a time when she hated him. When she fell, she fell hard and mercilessly. She smiled, even wider now. “Yeah. I’m going to fix that.”

 

“You really don’t have to,” He told her.

 

“I really am going to,” She replied. “You deserve a good and legitimate date and I deserve a good and legitimate person to plan a date for.”

 

“I’m not going to convince you otherwise, am I?”

 

“No.” She said. “You're going to go on a date with me and you’re going to like it.”

 

“Okay then,” He laughed. 

* * *

 

Ben didn’t know what Rey had in mind, but she had been gone for hours, telling him to stay in his room because she was preparing a date. She seemed so childishly eager that he couldn’t have said no even if he wanted to. He couldn't remember a time when he didn’t like her, and although things were hard and the both of them fucked up, he really really wanted to stay here with her.

 

He was tired of people who were judgemental and he was tired of having to live. This was a much better alternative to real life.

 

Finally, when Ben was tired of waiting, Rey opened the door. She was dressed in a dodie yellow dress, her hair tied back in a ponytail. Ben straightened his glasses, the feeling of anxiety building up in his chest. “You look really pretty.”

 

“Thank you,” Rey giggled. Ben stepped out and took her hand to see the carpet in the hallway had changed to all red. Rey had a twinkle in her eye, like she couldn’t wait for him to see what she had done. He couldn’t wait to see what she had done.

 

They walked into the main hallway. A low rumbling of a stereo played throughout the library, 

 

_ A rush at the beginning _

_ I get caught up for a minute _

_ Mega phone to my chest _

 

The library had melded into a museum, with so many paintings and sculptures, so many he had never seen before. “I didn’t really know what to do but I saw some of your drawings in your room and I was really impressed so this is stop one on our list,” It was so beautiful. 

 

_ Broadcast the boom boom boom  _

_ And make them all dance to it _

  
  


All of these things were expressions of feelings he couldn’t explain. Like parts of his head being expressed in the most beautiful ways possible. “Do you like it?” Rey asked. “They’re paintings from the beginning to the end of time. Including things you might not have seen yet.”

 

“Yes, I love this.” He held her hand tighter as they walked through hallways packed with art. He had never been in a place with so much beauty. It seemed to go on forever. When it ended he felt strangely better, and the Library melted into something else again. It was an empty room. 

 

“I also read that humans liked to dance,” She said. “I don’t dance much but I thought maybe we could just sway, if that’s okay.”

 

“Yeah I don’t do much dancing either so that’s good.”

 

The music turned on, and Ben and Rey got oddly close together. Ben felt oddly self conscious but the feeling of Rey’s small hands in his made him feel better. He just listened to the music and swayed. 

 

_ I want you  _

_ Yeah I want you _

_ And nothing comes close _

_ To the way that I need you _

_ I wish I could feel your skin _

_ And I want you from somewhere within _

 

Ben felt like he was going to cry the longer he held Rey. Neither of them spoke and he could feel her bury her face deeper in his chest. He could feel a damp spot growing where her face was. She was crying.

 

_ I’d rather drown  _

_ Than to go on without you _

_ We hide our emotions  _

 

He felt like this was a goodbye. Like she knew when he was leaving but she wouldn’t tell him yet. 

 

_ Under the surface _

_ And try to pretend _

_ It feels like there's oceans between you and me _

_ I want you _

_ And I always will  _

  
  


When the song was done she held him close and then pushed away from him, her hand reached up to caress his cheek and she smiled. It was the same smile his mom gave him after she and his dad had a fight and she was scared he was going to leave. She was putting a brave face on. “We have two more stops, is that okay?” He nodded, still enchanted by her. He held her hand and she led him out of that room. 

 

The third stop was a movie. Rebel Without A Cause. Neither of them talked, but at the end when the movie was done Rey sat there for a while. “Humans never cease to amaze me.” She said. “Always making magnificent things from their pain. I wish I could do that.” She got up and led him to dinner. The final stop. Ben didn’t know if he should be scared or not. “Have you enjoyed the night so far?”

 

“Definitely.” Ben said. “More than you can imagine.”

 

“Good.” Dinner was the recipe of macaroni and cheese that his mom used to make him after a bad day of school when he was little, it was just a little bit spicy and there were warm macadamia nut cookies waiting for him when he was done with his mac and cheese. Rey sort of picked at her food, more watching him than anything. 

 

“Is something wrong?” 

 

“No,” She said. 

 

“You look nervous,”

 

“I am.” She replied. “But nothing is wrong.”  

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” She told him. 

 

“Then why are you nervous?” He asked.

 

“Because,” Rey bit her lip, looking down at her food, “I don’t know how you’re going to react to what I’m going to say.” He took another bite of his mac and cheese. Perhaps out of nervousness.

 

“Okay, what is it?”

 

“The Library works in weird ways.” She started, “My powers work in weird ways. I have the power to make humans okay again. That’s why this is where I am.” He wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

 

“And by okay, I mean I can’t fix them completely, but I can make them near whole. I can make them whole enough for them to want to live and continue to fix themselves. But the way I do that, is by falling in love with him.” Her breath was shaking.

 

“And, by proxy, the Library makes it so after I admit that I fall in love with them, I have to send them back after a week.” She swallowed hard. “Ben Solo, I love you.” She said. “And I’ve loved you for a long time, but I've been dragging it out and in denial because I don’t want to be alone. I'm tired of it. But that’s not fair to you so that’s why I’m telling you right now, I love you.” 

  
  



	10. The Ending Is Always the Worst

_ I Love You.  _ Those three words echoed through his head. It was the verbal equivalent of hitting him in the chest with a hammer. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to screw this moment up. Rey shifted uncomfortably. “Ben? Are you okay?” He nodded. “Then can you, say something? Because I just laid out my heart and soul to you and you’re kind of making me really nervous.” 

Finally, he seemed to possess a few brain cells. “I—I’m sorry,” Rey raised an eyebrow.    
That wasn’t what he wanted to come out of his mouth and he was pretty sure that Rey knew that too. Everything was way too overwhelming right now. On one hand, Ben was the happiest person in the world. The girl he loved told him that she loved him. That was something that could never be taken for granted. On the other hand, they only had a week. One week left. 

“I’m a shitty person to be in love with,” He said. “No one has ever loved me before and that’s kind of big big news and it’s really overwhelming, and I don’t know how to respond to that other to tell you that I really love you too and I—” Rey cut him off. 

“Ben, calm down.” She said. “It’s okay,” She took a step closer to him, swaying back and forth nervously. She took his hand and squeezed. “Can you do me a favor and bend down? I’m not that tall.” Ben did bend down, knowing what she was going to do but still being surprised when her lips met his. He nearly melted when she kissed him and he wanted more when she pulled away from him. 

“That was neat,” Rey broke out into a wide smile, a smile so big. Ben had never seen her that happy before. She was giggling, her hands wrapped around his waist. That’s when the euphoria momentarily left him. “I have to leave in a week,” The smile faltered. But only momentarily. 

“Yes,” She said. “You do.” 

“I don’t want to go,” He didn’t know where to put his hands but he settled on placing them near Rey’s waist. “I really really like you a lot.” Rey looked sad, but happy at the same time. He wasn’t sure how she did that. 

“I know,” She said. “But let’s not focus on that right now, let’s just focus on this. Focus on the time we have. That’s the thing that’s the most important. The time we have right now.” Ben wanted to argue, but he knew that she was right. She was really, really right. So he kissed her again, and again, and they kept kissing. Rey pushed Ben against a stack of books and they went flying as she started to unbutton his shirt. Ben let her take control, helped to take off her dress. He pushed back, knocking Rey into a bookcase and mounting her up a little. She aligned herself with his dick. The both of them were hungry to feel a little less alone, kissing and biting, and Ben trying to make sure that Rey was pleased when they were fucking against the bookcase. 

It wasn’t perfect, but the both of them came and when Rey hopped down, she was smiling. “Do you want to go for round two in a bedroom?”

“That would be lovely.” 

* * *

  
  


After today they had a week left. 

A week. Rey was too busy to let herself be sad about it right now. She wanted to be as near to Ben as she could be. They were on the shore of the beach right now and Rey’s head was on Ben’s chest. She closed her eyes, letting the sun cascade down on both of them. She liked feeling closed to him, it was like forgetting what came next. What always came next. 

Rey remembered reading about love that was forever and people that were destined to be together and being completely disenfranchised by that. She thought that maybe this was as close as she was going to get to it, but this felt heavenly, so she didn’t mind. “Rey,” Ben didn’t sound as happy as she was. 

“Yeah,” She didn’t want to get up. She didn’t want to ruin this moment right here. 

“Why do I have to go?” 

“It’s the way the system works.” She muttered. Her cheek was feeling warm against his skin. 

“Well the system sucks,” 

“It does,” She said. “‘But don’t worry about it.” 

“We have seven days, Rey.” 

“I know,” She said. “Don’t worry about it. Seriously, you’ll enjoy this a lot more if you just do that okay?” 

“Okay,” She could hear his breath catch. “Okay, sorry.” 

“No problem,” She lifted her head up for just a moment to place a kiss on his cheek. “I love you,” 

“I love you more,” 

“Debatable.” She smirked and laid back down with him. They both fell asleep together that day. 

* * *

 

They had six days left. Rey intended to have the best six days of the both of their lives. Rey made sure there was a big breakfast for Ben when he came out, as well as making sure that she planned out the rest of the day as well. She wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly, she wanted to make sure that Ben wasn’t sad when he left. She didn’t want him to be sad when he left. 

She just wanted him to be happy. When he came out, he was met by his favorite breakfast, she gave Ben a kiss and he kissed back, a little less awkward. She smiled and told him that she loved him, and he said he loved her too. It was becoming natural, and if Rey had to admit it, she would say that she wished that she could do this forever. 

The both of them ate and she watched him out of the corner of her eye, offering him reassuring smiles whenever he glanced at her. She loved him, and she was tired of resisting that. It was so easy to just support him. She knew that he had a good life ahead of him, and she knew that she wanted to see him achieve that. She would help him achieve that now. Ben stopped eating his breakfast and started crying. She put her fork down. “Are you okay?” 

“No,” She went by his side. “It’s not fair,” 

“I know,” She said. “I know, but it’s okay. It’s okay.” 

“You’re going to be alone.” 

“I’m used to it,” She told him. “But you don’t have to worry about me, you really don’t.” She doubted that that was actually believable. “You have a great life ahead of you, and if you stay here that’s not going to happen.” 

“But what about—” 

“A friend reminded me about something recently. Something that I forgot, she told me, if you help the right people, if enough people remember you and think about you, are you ever really alone? Not really. When you leave, I’ll be sad. But I’ll be happy knowing that you’re going to be successful.” 

She wiped his tears away, kissing him on the forehead. 


	11. He's Leaving, He's Gone

 

Today was the day that he was leaving. Right at midnight, he would leave and go back to Earth, and Rey had to do something that would make sure that Ben knew that going back was the best for him. She was laying next to him in bed, and she knew that he was awake. “Ben.” She said. 

“Yeah,” 

“What do you want to do today?” 

“I don’t know,” He pressed himself closer to her. “I kind of just want to stay here with you.” She didn’t object to that. Rey just held him, because she knew that was what he wanted the most. She wanted to hold him too. So the both of them stayed there for the longest time, until Rey felt that same feeling in her bones that she always felt. 

“Ben,” She said. “It’s time to go.” He nodded and got up, adjusting his glasses. Rey grabbed his hand as she lead him back to where he appeared in the Library. She waited there for a moment and told Ben to step back as electricity crackled through the air. She promised herself she would wait until he was gone before she broke down. She had to be strong for him. That was just how things had to go. 

When the portal opened it was like the world was being ripped away from her. “Do I have to go,” He asked. 

“Yes,” She turned to him, smiling, trying her best to put a brave face on. “You do. But it’s okay, it’s okay.”This kiss would be their last. Both of them were searching for air, searching for reasons to be okay with Ben leaving. They couldn’t find any, but they knew that Ben had to leave anyway. “I love you,” She said. “You better have a good life for me,” 

“I will,” The gravity of the portal was starting to suck him in, she let go. “I love you too,” 

* * *

 

Ben was back in the woods where he put a gun to his head. But the gun wasn’t here. “Ben! Ben!” His mother came running through the woods when she saw that he was there. He was met full force with a hug as soon as he got there. “I saw the note, I thought it was too late.” 

“I decided not to,” He said. He hugged his mother back. She was sobbing, holding him in her arms. 

“You are not a burden to me, do you understand me? You are not a burden and I don’t want to lose you, ever. And I’m not just saying that. I swear.” Ben’s eyes started watering.

“I-I’m sorry. I just thought that maybe if I was gone life would be easier.” 

“That’s not true,” She told him. “You’re my pride and joy. And I know things are hard for you right now after you lost your job, but that’s what I’m here for.” She pushed herself off of him. “Look at me. I am your mother, you come to me when things get hard, and I help you fix it. Okay? We can fix this together.” 

“Okay,” Ben said. “Okay,” He looked up the hill, there were dead leaves everywhere and up there was his father. He looked tired, exhausted, but he also looked like he had been crying. Ben had never seen him cry, when he saw Ben he came walking down the hill. A chill wind whispered through the forest, but Ben felt warm. He felt like Rey was holding him. Han didn’t say a word, he just hugged him. But that was more than anything he had ever done for Ben. Finally, after a while, he said it. The thing that Ben had been waiting for for the longest time. 

“I’m sorry.” 

* * *

 

After months of therapy and getting his head straight, he found a job. It was a job that he had never dreamed of having, being in a publication company. He worked as a secretary at first, but it was relaxed and everyone there appreciated him more than he ever could have dreamed. He made enough money to move out, and he promised Leia that he would pay her back every single penny that he owed her. She said that he didn’t have to do that. She was just proud of him. Han told him that he was proud of him too. It was nothing that he had never heard from him before. 

Some days were still hard. Some days he didn’t want to get out of bed, he felt like there was this invisible weight pushing down on his head and his chest. But he had a little spark of hope in him, he remembered the feeling of Rey kissing his neck, of telling him that everything would be okay. 

He would get up when those episodes were over, and he would sit down and he would write Rey’s story. But that wasn’t enough. He wanted to know the other people that she helped. He wanted to know their stories as well. So he did research. There were few mentions, but he found people. 

Rose Tico. 

Poe Dameron. 

Finn Trooper. 

Poe and Finn were both alive and in their twenties or thirties on twitter, they were married to each other. It was a wild, wild thought that he had next. All books showed up in the library, so what if he got a message across to Rey? It was a shot in the dark, and there was no guarantee that Rey would even see it, but he had to try. He contacted them. He found more people. Collected their stories. 

Finally, he found the nursing home where Rose Tico stayed, and he planned a visit on his day off. He lied and said he was distant family member, said that the late wife of his was raised by Rose, and the nurse let him through. She said that Rose was rarely coherent these days and no one ever visited her, part of that pained Ben. He made sure the door was closed when he went to talk to her. She looked up from her TV at him. She was old but her eyes were so young and innocent. She seemed to know why he was here. “Hi, Miss Tico? I’m Ben Solo. I need to ask you some questions about your sister, Paige Tico.”  

Her eyes lit up. "My sister," 

"Yes, your sister." 

"What do you want to know about her?" 

"You said before your sister was murdered that she was visited by someone," 

Rose nodded, her face falling a little bit. "Yes, people called me insane for that." 

"I was visited by her too." 

"Really?" 

"She's real, and I want to do something to tell her thank you. Will you help me?" 

She said yes. 


	12. Maybe The Ending is Always The Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I used to always post a very long heartfelt note about what made me think of the fic when I finish it. All I will say here is I wanted to capture the feeling of what its like to be mentally ill and help other depressed etc people. I hope I did that well.

Rey watched the portal close behind Ben and then immediately burst out running through the library, she went back to the place where she had first found the books that Ben had written—or was going to write—and opened the first. Ink started flowering into words and Rey waited until it was all done.  

 

_ To the girl I love,  _

_ You made this all possible  _

_ I can’t wait until the day I can see you again _

 

Rey turned the page, hanging on each one of his words as she read her story. She couldn’t believe what she was reading, the book was a snapshot in time of something that happened to her. It was Paige’s story, and it was very very accurate as to what actually happened. Ben was such a good writer. 

She hung on his prose as she blew through the first book. Then she got to the acknowledgments, or where the acknowledgments should be. 

 

_ Letter #1 — Rose Tico _

 

Was she reading that right? Rose Tico, as in Tico like Paige Tico. Rey nearly lost it, but she decided to wait.

 

_ Dear Rey, _

_ For the longest time  _

_ I have wanted to meet you to say thank you for how you helped my sister. Ben Solo has given me the chance to at least say thank you for all that you have done for her.  _

 

Tears started forming in her eyes, but they didn’t start falling yet. She was trying so hard to keep everything together. She didn’t want to cry, she wasn’t going to cry.  She wasn’t going to cry. 

 

_ My sister was the most important person in my life. I remember the day that she came out to me. She was so scared, tears spilling down her face, scared that she was going to hell, scared that I wasn’t going to love her anymore. She was relieved that I accepted her, but that wasn’t enough.  _

 

_ She hated herself for so long — I was afraid she would never smile again. And that was so wrong because Paige had the most beautiful smile.  _

 

That was true. That was the first thing Rey fell in love with when Paige was here. 

 

_ And then one day, she walked in to our room with this look in her eyes like she had just met the girl of her dreams. Turns out she did. She met you. You made her smile for the first time in a long time.  _

 

Rey couldn’t stop herself from crying now. 

 

_ So, I know that you blame yourself for not being able to protect her. It wasn't your fault. She was killed by a former Klan member who’d found out she was a lesbian, and there is no doubt that that man is in hell. Now, sorry, that’s not the point. The point is for four years, before she died, she was really really happy. And that might not mean a lot to you but it means a lot to me. It meant a lot to her.  _

 

_ I can only hope to meet you someday in the afterlife, to see my sister again. That day will come soon.  _

 

_ Love, Rose _

 

Rey was shaking, part of her was so so sad, but there was something else there. Something she didn’t know how to process.

She picked up the next book. There was four books in the series. This next one? Finn. 

 

_ Finn never thought he would amount to anything. He was poor, he had no family, he found his father after he committed suicide when he was twelve. He watched his mother die of cancer three years later. He wanted it to end. That's where Rey came in.  _

 

Rey knew Finn’s story. She read it through over and over again. 

 

Then she read the letter. 

 

_ Letter #2 — Finn _

 

_ Hey peanut,  _

_ I don't think I've ever told you how grateful I am for the things that you did for me. I'm sorry for that, because you mean so so much to me. So much more than you could ever imagine. You're the reason I'm still breathing.  _

  
  


Rey was crying again. She missed Finn. She missed Paige. She missed Ben. She read everything. Every single word of his books, until she found his letter. 

  
  


_ Letter #4 — Me _

 

_ I'm not going to lie to you and say that life without you has been easy. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I don't miss you every day. For the first time in awhile, you were a constant in my life that I could count on. It wasn’t always easy getting along but I appreciated that you tried, even though you were broken too.  _

 

_ I want to tell you so much, I want to catch up and show you all the things that I have done since you helped me and motivated me to do more. I want to tell you everything that's been on my mind and wake up next to you in the morning. But I'll settle for this.  _

 

_ This series was my love letter to you. This is my love letter to you. I love you so much, and I just needed to let you know that you are not forgotten. You're appreciated beyond belief.  _

 

Rey couldn't stop crying. She missed Ben so much. She wanted him here now. In a way he was. Rey’s tears went on for a long time, so much so that she didn't see the walls of the Library start to crumble to dust.

* * *

 

_ 5 Years Later _

 

Ben had directed a movie, he was at a showing of it, kind of excited at the fact that he had done something of such a large scale. It was the first of a series. He guessed he would never really be done with Rey. He didn't want to be done with her either. 

_ 96%  _ on Rotten Tomatoes was pretty amazing to him. He was glad people liked Rey’s story. He loved watching it. In the middle, he went to the bathroom and then grab a refill of his drink. 

In line, someone tapped his shoulder. “Excuse me,” That voice was hauntingly familiar. A young British girl’s voice.  “Can I have an autograph?” 

* * *

 

Jessika stood in front of her. “Rey, you have helped one million people in your Eighteen thousand and seven hundred years of service in the Library. Your service is done.”

Rey looked up, “What?” 

“Your service here is done.” Everything around them was white. “I pulled some strings and you’re free to go. You deserve it.” 

* * *

 

“I'm a big fan.”

It was her. “Rey?”

“I’m here.” She said, she wrapped her arms around him in the middle of the line. “And I've missed you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you weren't expecting Rey to get a happy ending. Well she did. Haha. Anyways, please if you liked this fic check out my other stuff. My other stuff isn't getting as much attention and it would really mean a lot to me if you gave it a try. Thank you for reading This fic.


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